An Evening With Major Depression

It’s the first weekend after graduation, and you are celebrating with your closest friends at your favorite restaurant. Each of you are looking forward with excitement to your bright futures, and each of your friends has a different idea about how you should celebrate. Sam suggests going bowling, Jen wants to visit an art gallery, Tom wants to go to a local show, and Veronica wants to walk the trail by the river. You don’t care what you do, because you know you will have fun no matter what. Because of your indifference, your friends leave it up to you to choose what you are going to do. You know you can go for a walk any time, so which other activity do you choose? [[Art Gallery]] [[Bowling]] [[Show]]

You have always loved art. Your parents used to take you to the Getty Museum every time you visited Los Angeles. Art is interesting to you because you feel that nearly every piece has something to offer, weather that be insight into the artist’s thoughts, insight into your own feelings, or new ideas and inspiration. You reflect on the art classes you took in high school and are in awe that these artists have mastered the techniques you could barely grasp. The gallery is small, so you are finished looking around faster than you thought. You have time to do a few more things before the evening is over. What’s next? [[Bowling]] [[Show]] [[end the evening with a walk by the river]]

While bowling isn't your forte, you always have fun when you go with your friends. You don’t score many points, but you laugh it off by joking about needing to use bumpers next time. Your friends laugh with you and overall you have a good time. The bowling alley closes earlier than you remember, and you still have time to enjoy the remainder of the evening. [[Art Gallery]] [[Show]] [[end the evening with a walk by the river]]

You don’t go to live shows very often, but every time you do you wonder why not. There is so much excitement and energy, not to mention interesting people to meet. You and your friends get as close to the stage as possible. You don’t mind the crowd pressing in on you. If anything, it makes you feel more alive, like you have a place in this community of people who love and appreciate music. Because you arrived late, you only catch the band’s last few songs, but it was worth coming anyway. What’s next? [[Art Gallery]] [[Bowling]] [[end the evening with a walk by the river]]

You decide to finish off the night with that walk by the river. It’s getting late, but you’re not too worried. You have a shift at work the next day, but you are sure you can handle it just fine. As you walk by the river you breathe in the cool air deeply and look at the reflection of the town lights on the surface of the water. The night is still, quiet, and undeniably beautiful. You take a moment to ponder the beautiful world around you, and to appreciate the simple details of the scenery. You and your friends joke around as you return home, saying goodbye one by one. When you get home, you lay in bed and fall asleep in minutes, satisfied with the activities of the evening. [[Continue]]

One Year Later You have just gotten off the phone with Veronica, who invited you to join her and the rest of your old friends for a Saturday night out. While you feel flattered that she thought to invite you, you couldn't help but feel anxiety well up inside you as soon as you agreed to go. It’s been a while since you have seen your friends. About 9 months ago you began attending university, one that was much more difficult than you had expected. While you had had high expectations for your future at graduation, things seem to not have worked out as you had hoped. Not only did you soon find yourself too swamped with school work to continue going out with your friends, but you found the heavy work load made it difficult to make new friends in your new school. Pretty soon you began to feel less like an individual and more like a voiceless face in a sea of people. In addition to the stress of school work, you lost your job about 2 months ago. You had been working for the company for almost two years, and were expecting to rise through the ranks as you finished your degree. You had always worked hard and been dependable, and being let go made you feel inadequate and uncertain about the future. Your trouble at both school and work has begun to make you feel very insecure and unappreciated, and those feelings seem to have worsened within the last two weeks. Your life seems to have become a movie that you watch but don't connect with. You feel like the protagonist of "The Perks of Being a Wall Flower," but dismiss this notion because you have never been through anything similar to what happened to him. Socializing with people, even those who you considered to be close friends, now feels more like a chore than an exciting experience. Despite that, you put on your shoes and walk out the door. When you arrive at the restaurant, your friends discuss old times together. You sit quietly, wanting to participate in the conversation, but feeling like you have nothing good to say. You laugh on cue, pretending to have a good time like the others, but really you feel more like you are an outsider watching a tv show rather than a person engaging with close friends. Finally they decide they want to relive the night you celebrated your graduation. Remembering all the activities you did that night, you calculate how long it will take for the night to be over so you can go back home. Your friends turn to you in expectancy, but you are unable to decide which activity would be most fun. You awkwardly shrug, and eventually say the first thing that comes to your mind. [[visit the art gallery]] [[go to another show]] [[go to the bowling alley]] [[end the night with a walk by the river]]

When your friends decide it is time to head home, you are happy the evening is almost over. You walk quietly beside them, overcome with exhaustion. All you can think about everything you have to do the next day, and how difficult it will be. It's already hard enough to get out of bed in the mornings, and you are sure staying out late will only have made the problem worse. You focus on your feet and trying to put one foot in front of the other. You don't look up except when Jen points out ducklings following their mother through the river, and even then you are only thinking about home. Upon arriving home, you get in bed as quickly as possible. Instead of sleeping, you can't help but keep thinking. You obsess over how awkward you were at dinner with your friends. You wonder if they liked being with you. You think about everything you have to do the next day, and worry about what will happen if you are unable to accomplish everything. You worry about finding another job, and about succeeding in school. At long last you drift off into a restless sleep, your mind too tired to remain awake.

You tilt your head as you look at a painting on the wall. “What is this supposed to be?” you wonder. “How did I used to think stuff like this was inspiring? It makes no sense.” You move to the next painting. Not only do you not feel or think anything while looking at it, but it seems almost like an insult that someone could be successful creating something so ridiculous, while you have to work hard in school and will still probably end up with a mediocre job. You roll your eyes and ask everyone else if they are ready to go. [[go to the bowling alley]] [[go to another show]] [[end the night with a walk by the river]]

Your friends head straight for the middle of the crowd of people, and you follow behind. They begin dancing, but you just stand there. Everything from the loud music to being in such close proximity to strangers makes you uncomfortable. You know no one is watching you, but a list of things you are bad at comes to your mind, and this time dancing is added. You signal to your friends and move to the edge of the room, trying to get away from the crowd. You listen to the music and wait awkwardly for it to be over, avoiding eye contact with everyone who passes. You have only made it in time to listen to the last few songs, something that makes you even more anxious for it to be over. [[go to the bowling alley]] [[visit the art gallery]] [[end the night with a walk by the river]]

You haven’t been bowling in a long time. You know in the back of your mind that your friend’s don’t care who wins and that they are just there to have fun, but it’s not fun anymore. Every time you get a gutter ball you feel like a failure. You turn around and make a pathetic attempt at a joke, but inside all you can do is list everything you are bad at. “Well, I’m not just bad a bowling, I’m bad a school, and at painting, and at writing. I really just can’t do anything right.” You know this reasoning doesn't make sense, but once you have started you can't stop. Your friends continue joking around as the game comes to a close, but you are in a bad mood. [[visit the art gallery]] [[go to another show]] [[end the night with a walk by the river]]